The birth of my second child is only a few months away, and as I begin to prepare for the arrival of my little bundle of joy, I can't help but think about the fact that my life is about to be turned upside down once again. You see, once you have been through the experience of having a newborn, you will never think about the birth of future babies in the same way that you did when you were experiencing it for the first time. It's like you have been initiated into this secret society that you were not and could not be part of beforehand. There are all these little secrets that you now know, that people were afraid to tell you (or that you didn't want to hear) when you were basking in your first pregnancy glow. I have said time and time again that I wish people had warned me about certain things before I had my daughter. So, I've decided to break the rule of the new mom society and let people in on what they are about to experience as the mother of a newborn.
1. You have never in your life experienced the exhaustion that you will feel in the first few weeks after you have your baby. I don't care what anyone says, NOBODY and NOTHING can prepare you for the sleep deprivation that you are about to experience. For the love of GOD, if the nurses offer to keep your baby in the nursery at night while you are in the hospital, hand your baby over to them like a hot potato. You will not sleep for MONTHS after you have your child. Please listen to me. (I must add that everyone told me this before I had my daughter and I still chose to keep her in my hospital room. Hindsight is 20/20) While you are going through this sleep deprived fog, it feels like it will last forever. Most newborns begin to sleep more regularly and for longer periods of time by three months. Hang in there, the day will come.
2. Newborns are 1000 times more manageable in the hospital than they will be on the first night that you bring them home. Im not sure if the nurses drug the babies or swaddle them so tight that they can't cry, but you will leave the hospital with a false sense of hope that you have this parenthood thing under control. Your first night home with your baby might be the worst night of your life. You will sleep about 30 seconds max, if you're lucky, because even if your little angel is sound asleep (which won't happen much), you will be holding mirrors under their nose to make sure they are breathing. Everyone goes through this, and each night it will get a little bit easier to close your eyes.
3. Newborns make weird and creepy noises. Half the time they sound like they are choking or dying. These noises become 100 times more terrifying when they are made at 2am. Refer to #1, as this will be one of the many reasons why you only sleep for 30 seconds max. You will think your baby is choking or not breathing about 50 times per day after you bring them home. They are fine.
4. There is nothing natural, easy, beautiful or relaxing about breast feeding for about two months, if you are able to stick it out for that long. Your first experience breast feeding (if you choose to do so) will be just as awkward and uncoordinated as two teenagers with braces kissing for the first time. I spent months reading books on latching, my stupid "let down", feeding positions and all that jazz and when it was time to feed my daughter, it was although breast feeding was written in a different language than all those books I had spent time studying. Your nipples are going to hurt so bad that even one single strand of your hair gently grazing them will feel like razor blades. They will bleed, crack and might even get infected. You will secretly shoot dirty looks at your baby every time it is time for a feeding in anticipation of the pain. Speaking of nipples, you will get so used to having them exposed all the time, that you will probably forget to cover them up when answering the door or even when walking out your front door. Get used to family, friends and complete strangers catching glimpses of those bad boys. Babies eat every three hours, from when you STARTED feeding them . You will feel like all you ever do is breast feed your baby. And when you are not breast feeding, you are probably pumping to save milk for the future. It is exhausting and isolating and absolutely infuriating at times and you will wonder why any woman who has breast fed before would encourage you to make this choice, "I thought she was my friend. I thought she liked me". You will always have your eye on the clock and your body will not feel like your own. You have to question every single thing you put into your mouth and how it will affect your baby. BUT-It gets easier and more natural and more beautiful. Despite all of this, when it is time to finally give it up, you will probably cry. Some women choose not to breast feed or have to switch to formula after days or even hours of trying. Do not let others make you feel guilty about your choice. If your baby is fed and content, and you are more relaxed and happy, that is all that matters in the end.
5. In the first few weeks after your baby is born, you will cry. A LOT. If your experience is anything like mine, you may spend more time crying than not crying. Sometimes you will know why you are crying and sometimes you will not. Your husband will look at you with a feeling of pure helplessness because he has no idea why you are crying or how to make you feel better. Part of it is hormones, part of it is pure exhaustion and part of it is the realization that this is your life. For now. Eventually you start smiling more and crying less and less often. If the crying does not stop after about four weeks, talk to your doctor about things you can do to feel better.
6. Newborns poop like 15 times per day. One time my daughter projectile pooped five feet across her bedroom onto the floor. One time she dirtied four diapers in a row on the changing table. No matter how tight and perfectly you diaper them, somehow, it will leak out onto their clothes and onto you. You will change more diapers and do more laundry than you ever imagined possible. Some babies spit up just as much as they poop. Just embrace the fact that you will be covered in poop and throw up pretty much all of the time. And do yourself a favor, if you are putting on normal clothes, (which does not happen very often) do not put them on until the millisecond before you are expected to be somewhere. I promise you if you get dressed too early, your clothes will be ruined.
7. If you are lucky enough to finally get out and have some adult social interactions, you will probably find that it is difficult to relate to those that are not currently getting only 3 hours of sleep at night. You might find that you have absolutely nothing to talk about except for your baby (which you will think is the most interesting thing in the world but most people, other than your mom and husband, will not). You will feel incredibly boring. When your husband comes home from work and asks how your day was, you will probably have nothing really to talk about other than poop and a smile (that may have been gas, you're not sure). You might wonder if your friends, family or husband find you boring in comparison to the fun and exciting person that you used to be. Give it time. You will not be this boring forever.
8. A trip to the grocery store will seem as though you are preparing for a pilgrimage to a foreign land. You will have more gear with you than you would pack for a three month backpacking trip around Europe. By the time you finish loading the diaper bag filled with the 500 diapers, change of clothes (see #6) wipes, burp cloths and squeaky toys, pack it into your car with the car seat, stroller, sun nets, blankets and other random and excessive baby items, it will be time to go inside and breast feed again (see # 4). In retrospect, it's kind of funny how much stuff I used to bring with me, even on a very short trip. But the second you decide it's not necessary to bring those wipes or that extra pair of clothes, is exactly the time that you will need them most.
9. Some people may judge me for this point, but I really feel that it needs to be put out there, because it was the #1 source of all my guilt and most of my crying in the first few months after I had my daughter. You may have moments, after the birth of your baby, when you wonder why you chose to have a child. You may even regret (gasp!) having a baby. For your entire existence up until this moment in time, you have only really had to worry about yourself. You could sleep when you wanted, eat when you wanted, walk out the door at the drop of a hat, go out to dinner when you wanted, take a shower when you wanted. So many people told me that their child was the best thing that ever happened to them and I just didn't get it for a while. And I felt so GUILTY about that. I thought to myself, "I don't understand. I don't sleep, I barely get to shower, I'm not sure I brushed my teeth today, I haven't seen my friends in weeks, I'm at the beck and call of another human being. How is this the best thing that has ever happened to me? And why don't I feel like everyone else?" and then immediately following that thought would be, "I'm the worst mom in the world". It wasn't until my daughter was about three weeks old and I was crying (shocking!) to my husband and finally told him the horrible feelings I was having about being a new mom. I loved my daughter with every ounce of my being, but I didn't love the way my life had quickly and abruptly changed. And my wonderful husband simply replied, "I think if you didn't feel that way, it would be a little weird." It wasn't until I put it out there into the universe, and expressed how I was feeling, that I felt so much better. You may never feel this way about being a new mom, but if you do, there is at least one other woman on this planet who felt it too. But I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that millions of other women have experienced it too. Some people just will never admit it.
10. Just when you think you've "got it" and have a handle on parenting, your baby will go through a growth spurt, will start teething, will suddenly have separation anxiety or will develop a new sleep pattern. My daughter is almost two and a half and I'm beginning to realize that I'm not sure I will ever "get it". Embrace parenthood as a journey, not as a destination.
Even with all of these things considered, people will come over to visit or you will greet a neighbor in the street and they will have a big smile on their face and say, "Hey!! Congratulations!! How is everything going??" They will look at you with eager eyes and such hope. And for one second, the last three weeks will flash before your eyes and you will consider being honest, but will quickly realize that the truth would be such a disappointment. You will take a deep breath, smile and say, "Great! Thanks for asking". If they have experienced having a newborn before, they may catch the brief, "help me Im being held as a hostage in my own home by my own baby" look flashing in your eyes, and they will offer you a gentle and understanding smile in return. They will also secretly be laughing inside that someone else is finally experiencing the wrath of a newborn. Misery loves company.
I think no one really tells you what motherhood is truly going to be like in the beginning because they realize that you will figure it out soon enough. We allow each other to live in the blissful moment before reality sets in. It is equally as impossible to wrap your head around this new adventure as it is to understand how much you can really love your own child, before experiencing it yourself. My final words of advice: sleep when you can-it doesn't matter if there are dishes in the sink or laundry that needs to be done. Accept help when it is offered and ask for help when you need it. Take time for yourself, even if it is is a long, hot shower or a walk around the block. It's amazing what an hour break can do for your soul and how much of a better Mom you will be when you return. Never feel guilty about the feelings you are having, no matter how horrible or taboo they may seem. Talk about them with someone who won't judge you. Make a friend that is a new mom or has a child. Having someone who can relate to your experience is priceless. Lastly, as your baby grows and gets older, they won't sit still long enough to cuddle with you or fall asleep on your shoulder the way that they do at the beginning. Although the newborn stage feels like an eternity while you are going through it, in retrospect it is over in the blink of an eye. Snuggle them up, smell their hair, and know that it will all be ancient history soon enough. And, chances are, you will probably willingly and without force choose to do it all over again, just like me.
love this blog kristin!!
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