I have to admit I've been feeling a little sorry for myself lately. Life has got me a little down. I am almost eight months pregnant with a very cranky toddler that only wants me to do things for her. During the week, my alarm rings at 5:15am in the morning and I drag my big belly into the shower to get ready for work, get my daughter ready for the day, drop her off at my Mom's, sit in about an hour and a half of traffic and finally arrive to work. All by 7:45am. My work day is a whirlwind of tending to crisis' in the classroom, counseling oppositional children and meeting with frustrated or anxious parents. Sometimes, I'm lucky enough to pull myself away from work long enough to take a walk outside. (Which I can't really do anymore because I waddle around like a penguin). Before I know it, it's time to sit in two hours of traffic on my way home, pick up my cranky and hungry daughter and head home to cook dinner, do dishes, give a bath, pack lunches, fix coffee and set my alarm to do it all over again the next day. Most days I am so exhausted I fall asleep on the couch before 9pm and need to be walked up to bed by my husband. On the weekends, my daughter is so excited to spend time with her Mommy, she greets me in my bed by 5:30am. My job is to comfort everyone else and make them less worried, anxious or depressed. I never feel as though I have enough time to give to anyone. Not my husband, my daughter, work, my friends or family. Because of that, I feel guilty if I crave a moment to myself. Life has got me down.
This past week, I was sitting in traffic on my way to work (feeling sorry for myself), flipping through the radio trying to find a song I hadn't heard 8 million times already in my commute. Since there were no good songs on and I couldn't bring myself to listen to "Roar" by Katy Perry one more time, I stopped to listen to a report about the government shutdown that was taking place that day. Thousands of workers were being told to stay home that day, without pay, because the government could not come to an agreement on something that I honestly have had no time to follow. "How awful for those people" I thought to myself. "Thank goodness that's not me. I don't know what we would do if I didn't have a job right now". I felt so sad for all of those innocent people who were caught in the middle of some political argument. In that moment I felt very grateful for my hour and a half commute.
Two days later, I had a conversation with someone whose mother is very ill. I could sense the fear and uncertainty in her voice as I tried to think of words that may comfort her. What do you say to a person who may lose one of the most important people in their life? As our conversation was ending, she asked me how I was doing. "I'm good", I said, realizing that despite feeling so sorry for myself lately, I really was.
In these moments this past week, I realized that I had been focusing on the few negative or stressful things in my life and forgetting to put the emphasis on all the positive and most important things. As I complain about a growing pregnant belly, I can name at least three people I know that have been trying for years to have a child. People who would give anything to be kept awake at night by the little kicks and movements inside their body. As I lose my patience with my cranky toddler, there are people out there who fear that their children will never speak, give them a hug or live to see the age of two. When I sit in my car for two hours in traffic, at least I have a job to head to, a paycheck to look forward to and money to pay my bills. I am blessed to have a job and one that I actually like. I was blessed with two uncomplicated pregnancies and absolutely no fertility issues. (Literally, my husband looks at me and I get pregnant). I am blessed with a healthy and amazing daughter, full of life and love. I am blessed with a wonderful husband who helps me with the chores at night and is an amazing father to our daughter. I am blessed with an amazing support system, filled with friends and family who would do anything for us, anytime. I have my health. My family has it's health. I have a beautiful home and a place to lay my head at night. Life has got me down but I have all of the things that really matter. I have lost perspective.
Sometimes we forget what is truly important and we let the everyday trials get in the way. It is human nature to get caught up in the stresses of life . Even though some others have problems much greater than ours, our challenges are still our own. They still make life difficult for us. We are allowed to feel sorry for ourselves once in a while. It is impossible to not let them get the best of us at times. What is important is that we recognize this and make a choice to turn it around. It's not easy, and as I write this I know that tomorrow I'm going to dread going to work or lose my patience with my daughter when she refuses to take a bath. None of us are perfect. But the reality is that you cannot control the hand you are dealt and you may not always like the path your life has taken. What we can control is our decision to change the way we think about our situation, try our hardest to appreciate what we do have and make the best of what life hands us. Sometimes life gets you down. It's entirely up to you to get back up.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
A letter for my daughter; My hopes for you
Dear Cara,
Think positively
There is a difference between complaining and expressing your feelings
It is amazing that you have already been on this Earth for over two years now. From the second you were born, I spent countless hours staring at every inch of your beautiful face and daydreamed about what type of child you would grow up to be. I can already see so many amazing qualities in you and I already feel so proud of the person you are becoming. When I found out I was pregnant with a little girl, I admit that I was excited for the dress up clothes and the tea parties ahead, but I was most looking forward to raising a kind, strong and independent woman. There are so many things I want to teach you, but there are only so many things that can be learned without firsthand experience. Eventually you will leave my little bubble of a world and will begin to encounter situations that I have no control over. I can only hope that before then, I can guide and support you, and do my best to prepare you with the tools that you'll need. Here are some thoughts for you, as you grow and begin to navigate this amazing life:
Don't be afraid to be different. That's what makes you special
Love yourself for exactly who you are. Embrace your flaws. Be confident. What may appear to be a quirk when you are young may end up to be what sets you apart from everyone else when you are older. Some of the most successful and influential people in history were considered outcasts when they were children.
Live an honest life
The trust between two people is invaluable. It is an amazing feeling when someone shares a secret with you and knows that you will protect it. Keep your promises. Be honest with others, but most of all, be honest with yourself. Speak the truth but be mindful of people's feelings.
Do not ever think that you are above a person enough to bully them or make them feel worthless
Be kind. Do your best to treat others how you would want them to treat you. You do not have to like everyone, but you also do not need to tell them why. Be a leader. Stand up for others, even if you're scared. It usually just takes one brave person for others to follow along.
Do your best to avoid drama and gossip, even if it follows you
You will encounter negative people for the rest of your life. Be cordial, but keep your distance. They will only bring you down. Gossip is tempting, but no good can come of it. Let the message stop at you.
You will encounter negative people for the rest of your life. Be cordial, but keep your distance. They will only bring you down. Gossip is tempting, but no good can come of it. Let the message stop at you.
Think positively
Always try to view the glass as half full. You can usually find one benefit of a negative situation. This is one of the greater challenges of life, but if you can, it will give you a lot more hope during the times that you need it most.
Do not base your sense of self worth or value on other's thoughts of you
I don't care how amazing or wonderful you are, there will be someone out there who doesn't like you for how amazing and wonderful you are. Base your worth on the choices you make, how kind you are to others and your good intentions. Those who do not want to see you for who you really are need to stop focusing so much on others and more on improving themselves.
Let go of your pride and admit when you are wrong
You are not perfect and nobody should expect you to be. People respect those that can say they are sorry.
Don't take life so seriously all of the time
Don't sweat the small stuff. Try to keep in perspective what is important and what is not. Know how to have a little fun. Learn to laugh at yourself once in a while.
There is a difference between complaining and expressing your feelings
We all have a moments where we need to feel sorry for ourselves. Make them few and far between, but make sure to talk to someone you trust when life has got you down.
Learn to forgive, but do not allow yourself to be taken advantage of
Everyone deserves a second chance because we all make mistakes. After that, reevaluate what role this person is playing in your life and if they deserve to be in it. Only go out of your way for those that would do exactly the same for you.
Do not hold on to feelings of anger or resentment
The only person you are "letting off the hook" when you let go of anger, is yourself. You cannot live a free and happy life if you hold onto such negative feelings.
Do not waste time worrying about things that are out of your control
Worrying just gives you grey hair and wrinkles. It's not easy, but learn to let go and trust that things happen exactly the way that they are supposed to.
Do not wait around for anyone or any thing to complete your life
You must find your own happiness. The rest is a positive addition.
Realize that it is impossible and exhausting to try to make everyone happy all of the time
I have to admit that I have spent much of my life attempting to accept this. Once you wrap your head around the concept, it is completely freeing. Be considerate, but in the end, do what is best for you.
Treasure true friendship
Be a loyal and reliable friend. Your real friends have your best interest at heart. They will celebrate your good fortune and cry for your loss. A friendship should not be challenging, but something that would leave a void in your life if it was gone.
Your best is 100% good enough
As long as you have tried your absolute hardest and gave it everything you had, that is ALL that matters.
Do not compare your life, your misfortunes or your accomplishments to others
Things are not always what they seem, and you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Everyone has their own struggles and their own story. Try not to be jealous of what other people have.
Always try to put yourself in someone else's shoes
Try to understand other people's perspectives. This will help you to be more compassionate, open minded and less sensitive. Life is not painted in black and white. You never know what someone has been dealing with in their personal life.
Always try to put yourself in someone else's shoes
Try to understand other people's perspectives. This will help you to be more compassionate, open minded and less sensitive. Life is not painted in black and white. You never know what someone has been dealing with in their personal life.
Celebrate others' good fortune and blessings
Tell people that you are happy for them and mean it. Your time will come.
Believe that if you have a dream, it will come true
You must also know that nothing will be handed to you. With hard work and determination, you can accomplish anything.
Try not to view misfortune or difficult times as something that is happening TO you
Change your way of thinking and trust that it is a learning experience that will only make you stronger, wiser and better. Usually we do not realize why things have happened the way that they did until much, much later.
The most important things in life are free
Place value in health, loved ones, friendship, safety and happiness. Do not take these things for granted. Society has skewed our thinking to believe that there are more important things. Life is nothing if one of these is suddenly taken from you and none of it can be bought back.
My dearest Cara, I wish for you a beautiful and full life. I promise to lead by example and to support you every step of the way. I will do my best to know when to step in and when to allow you to stumble. You are my greatest creation and I will love you, unconditionally, forever.
All my love,
Mama
My dearest Cara, I wish for you a beautiful and full life. I promise to lead by example and to support you every step of the way. I will do my best to know when to step in and when to allow you to stumble. You are my greatest creation and I will love you, unconditionally, forever.
All my love,
Mama
Thursday, September 19, 2013
10 things to know about the newborn stage
The birth of my second child is only a few months away, and as I begin to prepare for the arrival of my little bundle of joy, I can't help but think about the fact that my life is about to be turned upside down once again. You see, once you have been through the experience of having a newborn, you will never think about the birth of future babies in the same way that you did when you were experiencing it for the first time. It's like you have been initiated into this secret society that you were not and could not be part of beforehand. There are all these little secrets that you now know, that people were afraid to tell you (or that you didn't want to hear) when you were basking in your first pregnancy glow. I have said time and time again that I wish people had warned me about certain things before I had my daughter. So, I've decided to break the rule of the new mom society and let people in on what they are about to experience as the mother of a newborn.
1. You have never in your life experienced the exhaustion that you will feel in the first few weeks after you have your baby. I don't care what anyone says, NOBODY and NOTHING can prepare you for the sleep deprivation that you are about to experience. For the love of GOD, if the nurses offer to keep your baby in the nursery at night while you are in the hospital, hand your baby over to them like a hot potato. You will not sleep for MONTHS after you have your child. Please listen to me. (I must add that everyone told me this before I had my daughter and I still chose to keep her in my hospital room. Hindsight is 20/20) While you are going through this sleep deprived fog, it feels like it will last forever. Most newborns begin to sleep more regularly and for longer periods of time by three months. Hang in there, the day will come.
2. Newborns are 1000 times more manageable in the hospital than they will be on the first night that you bring them home. Im not sure if the nurses drug the babies or swaddle them so tight that they can't cry, but you will leave the hospital with a false sense of hope that you have this parenthood thing under control. Your first night home with your baby might be the worst night of your life. You will sleep about 30 seconds max, if you're lucky, because even if your little angel is sound asleep (which won't happen much), you will be holding mirrors under their nose to make sure they are breathing. Everyone goes through this, and each night it will get a little bit easier to close your eyes.
3. Newborns make weird and creepy noises. Half the time they sound like they are choking or dying. These noises become 100 times more terrifying when they are made at 2am. Refer to #1, as this will be one of the many reasons why you only sleep for 30 seconds max. You will think your baby is choking or not breathing about 50 times per day after you bring them home. They are fine.
4. There is nothing natural, easy, beautiful or relaxing about breast feeding for about two months, if you are able to stick it out for that long. Your first experience breast feeding (if you choose to do so) will be just as awkward and uncoordinated as two teenagers with braces kissing for the first time. I spent months reading books on latching, my stupid "let down", feeding positions and all that jazz and when it was time to feed my daughter, it was although breast feeding was written in a different language than all those books I had spent time studying. Your nipples are going to hurt so bad that even one single strand of your hair gently grazing them will feel like razor blades. They will bleed, crack and might even get infected. You will secretly shoot dirty looks at your baby every time it is time for a feeding in anticipation of the pain. Speaking of nipples, you will get so used to having them exposed all the time, that you will probably forget to cover them up when answering the door or even when walking out your front door. Get used to family, friends and complete strangers catching glimpses of those bad boys. Babies eat every three hours, from when you STARTED feeding them . You will feel like all you ever do is breast feed your baby. And when you are not breast feeding, you are probably pumping to save milk for the future. It is exhausting and isolating and absolutely infuriating at times and you will wonder why any woman who has breast fed before would encourage you to make this choice, "I thought she was my friend. I thought she liked me". You will always have your eye on the clock and your body will not feel like your own. You have to question every single thing you put into your mouth and how it will affect your baby. BUT-It gets easier and more natural and more beautiful. Despite all of this, when it is time to finally give it up, you will probably cry. Some women choose not to breast feed or have to switch to formula after days or even hours of trying. Do not let others make you feel guilty about your choice. If your baby is fed and content, and you are more relaxed and happy, that is all that matters in the end.
5. In the first few weeks after your baby is born, you will cry. A LOT. If your experience is anything like mine, you may spend more time crying than not crying. Sometimes you will know why you are crying and sometimes you will not. Your husband will look at you with a feeling of pure helplessness because he has no idea why you are crying or how to make you feel better. Part of it is hormones, part of it is pure exhaustion and part of it is the realization that this is your life. For now. Eventually you start smiling more and crying less and less often. If the crying does not stop after about four weeks, talk to your doctor about things you can do to feel better.
6. Newborns poop like 15 times per day. One time my daughter projectile pooped five feet across her bedroom onto the floor. One time she dirtied four diapers in a row on the changing table. No matter how tight and perfectly you diaper them, somehow, it will leak out onto their clothes and onto you. You will change more diapers and do more laundry than you ever imagined possible. Some babies spit up just as much as they poop. Just embrace the fact that you will be covered in poop and throw up pretty much all of the time. And do yourself a favor, if you are putting on normal clothes, (which does not happen very often) do not put them on until the millisecond before you are expected to be somewhere. I promise you if you get dressed too early, your clothes will be ruined.
7. If you are lucky enough to finally get out and have some adult social interactions, you will probably find that it is difficult to relate to those that are not currently getting only 3 hours of sleep at night. You might find that you have absolutely nothing to talk about except for your baby (which you will think is the most interesting thing in the world but most people, other than your mom and husband, will not). You will feel incredibly boring. When your husband comes home from work and asks how your day was, you will probably have nothing really to talk about other than poop and a smile (that may have been gas, you're not sure). You might wonder if your friends, family or husband find you boring in comparison to the fun and exciting person that you used to be. Give it time. You will not be this boring forever.
8. A trip to the grocery store will seem as though you are preparing for a pilgrimage to a foreign land. You will have more gear with you than you would pack for a three month backpacking trip around Europe. By the time you finish loading the diaper bag filled with the 500 diapers, change of clothes (see #6) wipes, burp cloths and squeaky toys, pack it into your car with the car seat, stroller, sun nets, blankets and other random and excessive baby items, it will be time to go inside and breast feed again (see # 4). In retrospect, it's kind of funny how much stuff I used to bring with me, even on a very short trip. But the second you decide it's not necessary to bring those wipes or that extra pair of clothes, is exactly the time that you will need them most.
9. Some people may judge me for this point, but I really feel that it needs to be put out there, because it was the #1 source of all my guilt and most of my crying in the first few months after I had my daughter. You may have moments, after the birth of your baby, when you wonder why you chose to have a child. You may even regret (gasp!) having a baby. For your entire existence up until this moment in time, you have only really had to worry about yourself. You could sleep when you wanted, eat when you wanted, walk out the door at the drop of a hat, go out to dinner when you wanted, take a shower when you wanted. So many people told me that their child was the best thing that ever happened to them and I just didn't get it for a while. And I felt so GUILTY about that. I thought to myself, "I don't understand. I don't sleep, I barely get to shower, I'm not sure I brushed my teeth today, I haven't seen my friends in weeks, I'm at the beck and call of another human being. How is this the best thing that has ever happened to me? And why don't I feel like everyone else?" and then immediately following that thought would be, "I'm the worst mom in the world". It wasn't until my daughter was about three weeks old and I was crying (shocking!) to my husband and finally told him the horrible feelings I was having about being a new mom. I loved my daughter with every ounce of my being, but I didn't love the way my life had quickly and abruptly changed. And my wonderful husband simply replied, "I think if you didn't feel that way, it would be a little weird." It wasn't until I put it out there into the universe, and expressed how I was feeling, that I felt so much better. You may never feel this way about being a new mom, but if you do, there is at least one other woman on this planet who felt it too. But I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that millions of other women have experienced it too. Some people just will never admit it.
10. Just when you think you've "got it" and have a handle on parenting, your baby will go through a growth spurt, will start teething, will suddenly have separation anxiety or will develop a new sleep pattern. My daughter is almost two and a half and I'm beginning to realize that I'm not sure I will ever "get it". Embrace parenthood as a journey, not as a destination.
Even with all of these things considered, people will come over to visit or you will greet a neighbor in the street and they will have a big smile on their face and say, "Hey!! Congratulations!! How is everything going??" They will look at you with eager eyes and such hope. And for one second, the last three weeks will flash before your eyes and you will consider being honest, but will quickly realize that the truth would be such a disappointment. You will take a deep breath, smile and say, "Great! Thanks for asking". If they have experienced having a newborn before, they may catch the brief, "help me Im being held as a hostage in my own home by my own baby" look flashing in your eyes, and they will offer you a gentle and understanding smile in return. They will also secretly be laughing inside that someone else is finally experiencing the wrath of a newborn. Misery loves company.
I think no one really tells you what motherhood is truly going to be like in the beginning because they realize that you will figure it out soon enough. We allow each other to live in the blissful moment before reality sets in. It is equally as impossible to wrap your head around this new adventure as it is to understand how much you can really love your own child, before experiencing it yourself. My final words of advice: sleep when you can-it doesn't matter if there are dishes in the sink or laundry that needs to be done. Accept help when it is offered and ask for help when you need it. Take time for yourself, even if it is is a long, hot shower or a walk around the block. It's amazing what an hour break can do for your soul and how much of a better Mom you will be when you return. Never feel guilty about the feelings you are having, no matter how horrible or taboo they may seem. Talk about them with someone who won't judge you. Make a friend that is a new mom or has a child. Having someone who can relate to your experience is priceless. Lastly, as your baby grows and gets older, they won't sit still long enough to cuddle with you or fall asleep on your shoulder the way that they do at the beginning. Although the newborn stage feels like an eternity while you are going through it, in retrospect it is over in the blink of an eye. Snuggle them up, smell their hair, and know that it will all be ancient history soon enough. And, chances are, you will probably willingly and without force choose to do it all over again, just like me.
1. You have never in your life experienced the exhaustion that you will feel in the first few weeks after you have your baby. I don't care what anyone says, NOBODY and NOTHING can prepare you for the sleep deprivation that you are about to experience. For the love of GOD, if the nurses offer to keep your baby in the nursery at night while you are in the hospital, hand your baby over to them like a hot potato. You will not sleep for MONTHS after you have your child. Please listen to me. (I must add that everyone told me this before I had my daughter and I still chose to keep her in my hospital room. Hindsight is 20/20) While you are going through this sleep deprived fog, it feels like it will last forever. Most newborns begin to sleep more regularly and for longer periods of time by three months. Hang in there, the day will come.
2. Newborns are 1000 times more manageable in the hospital than they will be on the first night that you bring them home. Im not sure if the nurses drug the babies or swaddle them so tight that they can't cry, but you will leave the hospital with a false sense of hope that you have this parenthood thing under control. Your first night home with your baby might be the worst night of your life. You will sleep about 30 seconds max, if you're lucky, because even if your little angel is sound asleep (which won't happen much), you will be holding mirrors under their nose to make sure they are breathing. Everyone goes through this, and each night it will get a little bit easier to close your eyes.
3. Newborns make weird and creepy noises. Half the time they sound like they are choking or dying. These noises become 100 times more terrifying when they are made at 2am. Refer to #1, as this will be one of the many reasons why you only sleep for 30 seconds max. You will think your baby is choking or not breathing about 50 times per day after you bring them home. They are fine.
4. There is nothing natural, easy, beautiful or relaxing about breast feeding for about two months, if you are able to stick it out for that long. Your first experience breast feeding (if you choose to do so) will be just as awkward and uncoordinated as two teenagers with braces kissing for the first time. I spent months reading books on latching, my stupid "let down", feeding positions and all that jazz and when it was time to feed my daughter, it was although breast feeding was written in a different language than all those books I had spent time studying. Your nipples are going to hurt so bad that even one single strand of your hair gently grazing them will feel like razor blades. They will bleed, crack and might even get infected. You will secretly shoot dirty looks at your baby every time it is time for a feeding in anticipation of the pain. Speaking of nipples, you will get so used to having them exposed all the time, that you will probably forget to cover them up when answering the door or even when walking out your front door. Get used to family, friends and complete strangers catching glimpses of those bad boys. Babies eat every three hours, from when you STARTED feeding them . You will feel like all you ever do is breast feed your baby. And when you are not breast feeding, you are probably pumping to save milk for the future. It is exhausting and isolating and absolutely infuriating at times and you will wonder why any woman who has breast fed before would encourage you to make this choice, "I thought she was my friend. I thought she liked me". You will always have your eye on the clock and your body will not feel like your own. You have to question every single thing you put into your mouth and how it will affect your baby. BUT-It gets easier and more natural and more beautiful. Despite all of this, when it is time to finally give it up, you will probably cry. Some women choose not to breast feed or have to switch to formula after days or even hours of trying. Do not let others make you feel guilty about your choice. If your baby is fed and content, and you are more relaxed and happy, that is all that matters in the end.
5. In the first few weeks after your baby is born, you will cry. A LOT. If your experience is anything like mine, you may spend more time crying than not crying. Sometimes you will know why you are crying and sometimes you will not. Your husband will look at you with a feeling of pure helplessness because he has no idea why you are crying or how to make you feel better. Part of it is hormones, part of it is pure exhaustion and part of it is the realization that this is your life. For now. Eventually you start smiling more and crying less and less often. If the crying does not stop after about four weeks, talk to your doctor about things you can do to feel better.
6. Newborns poop like 15 times per day. One time my daughter projectile pooped five feet across her bedroom onto the floor. One time she dirtied four diapers in a row on the changing table. No matter how tight and perfectly you diaper them, somehow, it will leak out onto their clothes and onto you. You will change more diapers and do more laundry than you ever imagined possible. Some babies spit up just as much as they poop. Just embrace the fact that you will be covered in poop and throw up pretty much all of the time. And do yourself a favor, if you are putting on normal clothes, (which does not happen very often) do not put them on until the millisecond before you are expected to be somewhere. I promise you if you get dressed too early, your clothes will be ruined.
7. If you are lucky enough to finally get out and have some adult social interactions, you will probably find that it is difficult to relate to those that are not currently getting only 3 hours of sleep at night. You might find that you have absolutely nothing to talk about except for your baby (which you will think is the most interesting thing in the world but most people, other than your mom and husband, will not). You will feel incredibly boring. When your husband comes home from work and asks how your day was, you will probably have nothing really to talk about other than poop and a smile (that may have been gas, you're not sure). You might wonder if your friends, family or husband find you boring in comparison to the fun and exciting person that you used to be. Give it time. You will not be this boring forever.
8. A trip to the grocery store will seem as though you are preparing for a pilgrimage to a foreign land. You will have more gear with you than you would pack for a three month backpacking trip around Europe. By the time you finish loading the diaper bag filled with the 500 diapers, change of clothes (see #6) wipes, burp cloths and squeaky toys, pack it into your car with the car seat, stroller, sun nets, blankets and other random and excessive baby items, it will be time to go inside and breast feed again (see # 4). In retrospect, it's kind of funny how much stuff I used to bring with me, even on a very short trip. But the second you decide it's not necessary to bring those wipes or that extra pair of clothes, is exactly the time that you will need them most.
9. Some people may judge me for this point, but I really feel that it needs to be put out there, because it was the #1 source of all my guilt and most of my crying in the first few months after I had my daughter. You may have moments, after the birth of your baby, when you wonder why you chose to have a child. You may even regret (gasp!) having a baby. For your entire existence up until this moment in time, you have only really had to worry about yourself. You could sleep when you wanted, eat when you wanted, walk out the door at the drop of a hat, go out to dinner when you wanted, take a shower when you wanted. So many people told me that their child was the best thing that ever happened to them and I just didn't get it for a while. And I felt so GUILTY about that. I thought to myself, "I don't understand. I don't sleep, I barely get to shower, I'm not sure I brushed my teeth today, I haven't seen my friends in weeks, I'm at the beck and call of another human being. How is this the best thing that has ever happened to me? And why don't I feel like everyone else?" and then immediately following that thought would be, "I'm the worst mom in the world". It wasn't until my daughter was about three weeks old and I was crying (shocking!) to my husband and finally told him the horrible feelings I was having about being a new mom. I loved my daughter with every ounce of my being, but I didn't love the way my life had quickly and abruptly changed. And my wonderful husband simply replied, "I think if you didn't feel that way, it would be a little weird." It wasn't until I put it out there into the universe, and expressed how I was feeling, that I felt so much better. You may never feel this way about being a new mom, but if you do, there is at least one other woman on this planet who felt it too. But I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that millions of other women have experienced it too. Some people just will never admit it.
10. Just when you think you've "got it" and have a handle on parenting, your baby will go through a growth spurt, will start teething, will suddenly have separation anxiety or will develop a new sleep pattern. My daughter is almost two and a half and I'm beginning to realize that I'm not sure I will ever "get it". Embrace parenthood as a journey, not as a destination.
Even with all of these things considered, people will come over to visit or you will greet a neighbor in the street and they will have a big smile on their face and say, "Hey!! Congratulations!! How is everything going??" They will look at you with eager eyes and such hope. And for one second, the last three weeks will flash before your eyes and you will consider being honest, but will quickly realize that the truth would be such a disappointment. You will take a deep breath, smile and say, "Great! Thanks for asking". If they have experienced having a newborn before, they may catch the brief, "help me Im being held as a hostage in my own home by my own baby" look flashing in your eyes, and they will offer you a gentle and understanding smile in return. They will also secretly be laughing inside that someone else is finally experiencing the wrath of a newborn. Misery loves company.
I think no one really tells you what motherhood is truly going to be like in the beginning because they realize that you will figure it out soon enough. We allow each other to live in the blissful moment before reality sets in. It is equally as impossible to wrap your head around this new adventure as it is to understand how much you can really love your own child, before experiencing it yourself. My final words of advice: sleep when you can-it doesn't matter if there are dishes in the sink or laundry that needs to be done. Accept help when it is offered and ask for help when you need it. Take time for yourself, even if it is is a long, hot shower or a walk around the block. It's amazing what an hour break can do for your soul and how much of a better Mom you will be when you return. Never feel guilty about the feelings you are having, no matter how horrible or taboo they may seem. Talk about them with someone who won't judge you. Make a friend that is a new mom or has a child. Having someone who can relate to your experience is priceless. Lastly, as your baby grows and gets older, they won't sit still long enough to cuddle with you or fall asleep on your shoulder the way that they do at the beginning. Although the newborn stage feels like an eternity while you are going through it, in retrospect it is over in the blink of an eye. Snuggle them up, smell their hair, and know that it will all be ancient history soon enough. And, chances are, you will probably willingly and without force choose to do it all over again, just like me.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Two worlds collide
The day I graduated from NYU with my Masters in Clinical Social Work was one of the proudest days of my life. I had spent countless hours writing papers, analyzing my friends and driving my family crazy by diagnosing them with every disorder in the book. I had always been the type of person that people for some reason wanted to tell their deepest darkest secrets to and I genuinely cared about the well being of others. My husband would joke around and say that I uncovered more about the people he knew in five minutes than he had learned about them in their entire friendship. "Did I just overhear John telling you about his childhood?", he'd say. I decided to go with what I knew and become a therapist. If people were telling me their problems, I might as well get paid for it.
After a short period of time working in a hospital, I found my calling working in two elementary schools, providing counseling for children. It was my dream job, honestly. Not only did I find myself supporting the children, but I very quickly fell into the role of a parenting consultant and behavioral therapist as well. I have had hundreds of conversations with parents on how to encourage their children to listen, decrease undesirable behaviors and make positive choices. I would listen to parents tell me about how they couldn't get their child to do homework or put on pants in the morning, how it was a struggle in the evening to take a bath, brush teeth or come to school every day. I would sympathize with them, without truly understanding what they were going through, and would recommend a sticker chart or positive intervention strategies. "Make sure you try not to react to their anger by raising your own voice. Try your best to stay calm and say, 'I need you to put on pants now'." Knowing what I know now, it makes me laugh and kind of hate my former self a little.
In May of 2011, I had my beautiful daughter Cara, who changed my life in so many ways. The life I had known before was over and I quickly realized how amazing, yet incredibly challenging, parenting could be. For someone who had spent years guiding other people on how to parent their children, it was amazing how foreign parenting felt to me at times. As I rewarded my screaming daughter with the toy she wanted in the store just to get people to stop staring at me, I would hear my own irritating voice saying "you know, giving a child what they want when they are throwing a tantrum will only reinforce the negative behavior." I would tell my childless self, "You try getting a screaming toddler to pry her sticky hands off of these bubbles in the dollar store while the checkout lady stares through your soul and 800 people behind you in line breath impatiently down your neck."
Over the past two years, I have grown to appreciate that sometimes all of the handbooks, schooling and experience in the world cannot prepare you for what being a parent may bring. I have also grown to realize how incredibly judgmental I was of other people's parenting choices. Until you have a child, you sincerely do not realize how difficult things can be. When your eyes are bleeding at 3am because you are so tired and your toddler that recently figured out how to climb out of their crib tries to come into your bed for the 1000th time that night, it is easier to bend the rules than fight with them for an hour, especially when you have to be up for work in two. I used to shoot disapproving looks at those parents who had monkey backpacks on their child with the furry leash because I assumed they were lazy or didn't feel like chasing after their child. Or even worse, that they couldn't control their child! But at that moment in the grocery store when your curious two year old darts around the corner of the aisle or into oncoming traffic on a busy street and your heart is in your throat because you feel like you have lost them forever, the furry leash backpack doesn't seem so awful after all.
I think the biggest wake up call that I have had as a parent so far is that you can be doing ALL of the right things, correcting negative behavior, rewarding the positive, giving love and attention, etc and your child STILL MIGHT NOT LISTEN TO YOU. They may look you right in the face as you tell them to stop throwing their dinner on the floor, smile, hold out their hand and drop it. I hear echos of my single childless self saying in a judgmental whisper to my husband, "our child will NEVER do that". And I want to slap her in the face. The bottom line is parenting is incredibly hard. Some days are better than others. None of us are perfect. It's impossible to do the right thing ALL of the time. And it's a hell of a lot easier to tell other people how to parent their kids than it is to parent your own. As long as I know I'm trying my best and my kids know that I love them more than anything, that's good enough for me.
After a short period of time working in a hospital, I found my calling working in two elementary schools, providing counseling for children. It was my dream job, honestly. Not only did I find myself supporting the children, but I very quickly fell into the role of a parenting consultant and behavioral therapist as well. I have had hundreds of conversations with parents on how to encourage their children to listen, decrease undesirable behaviors and make positive choices. I would listen to parents tell me about how they couldn't get their child to do homework or put on pants in the morning, how it was a struggle in the evening to take a bath, brush teeth or come to school every day. I would sympathize with them, without truly understanding what they were going through, and would recommend a sticker chart or positive intervention strategies. "Make sure you try not to react to their anger by raising your own voice. Try your best to stay calm and say, 'I need you to put on pants now'." Knowing what I know now, it makes me laugh and kind of hate my former self a little.
In May of 2011, I had my beautiful daughter Cara, who changed my life in so many ways. The life I had known before was over and I quickly realized how amazing, yet incredibly challenging, parenting could be. For someone who had spent years guiding other people on how to parent their children, it was amazing how foreign parenting felt to me at times. As I rewarded my screaming daughter with the toy she wanted in the store just to get people to stop staring at me, I would hear my own irritating voice saying "you know, giving a child what they want when they are throwing a tantrum will only reinforce the negative behavior." I would tell my childless self, "You try getting a screaming toddler to pry her sticky hands off of these bubbles in the dollar store while the checkout lady stares through your soul and 800 people behind you in line breath impatiently down your neck."
Over the past two years, I have grown to appreciate that sometimes all of the handbooks, schooling and experience in the world cannot prepare you for what being a parent may bring. I have also grown to realize how incredibly judgmental I was of other people's parenting choices. Until you have a child, you sincerely do not realize how difficult things can be. When your eyes are bleeding at 3am because you are so tired and your toddler that recently figured out how to climb out of their crib tries to come into your bed for the 1000th time that night, it is easier to bend the rules than fight with them for an hour, especially when you have to be up for work in two. I used to shoot disapproving looks at those parents who had monkey backpacks on their child with the furry leash because I assumed they were lazy or didn't feel like chasing after their child. Or even worse, that they couldn't control their child! But at that moment in the grocery store when your curious two year old darts around the corner of the aisle or into oncoming traffic on a busy street and your heart is in your throat because you feel like you have lost them forever, the furry leash backpack doesn't seem so awful after all.
I think the biggest wake up call that I have had as a parent so far is that you can be doing ALL of the right things, correcting negative behavior, rewarding the positive, giving love and attention, etc and your child STILL MIGHT NOT LISTEN TO YOU. They may look you right in the face as you tell them to stop throwing their dinner on the floor, smile, hold out their hand and drop it. I hear echos of my single childless self saying in a judgmental whisper to my husband, "our child will NEVER do that". And I want to slap her in the face. The bottom line is parenting is incredibly hard. Some days are better than others. None of us are perfect. It's impossible to do the right thing ALL of the time. And it's a hell of a lot easier to tell other people how to parent their kids than it is to parent your own. As long as I know I'm trying my best and my kids know that I love them more than anything, that's good enough for me.
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